Hypersexuality is self harm. My experience and what I’ve learned

I can’t remember a time in my life where my brain hasn’t been fixated on sex. I was molested by my father when I was 6/7 years old and since then I have masturbated every single day, sometimes multiple times a day for the past 20 years.

I lost my virginity at a young age, but was with that partner for 13 years of my life. During that time I was always the one asking for sex. If I was turned down it felt like an attack against me, am I not lovable? Why don’t you want to use my body?

This past year I have slept with a lot of men. Men who were almost always double my age. I would let them use my body however they pleased. I would let them cause bodily harm on me. I would let them slap me, choke me, some even left me bruised. I remember dissociating a lot during these times. I thought I wanted this, my body thought I wanted this. Why don’t I enjoy this? Why don’t I like sex? Why don’t I feel pleasure? I’m a great actress, I put on a show, I want to be their best experience. I want them to remember me from years to come and still feel lust for me. Then, only then I matter. I put myself into dangerous situations, I let men push my boundaries with little to no push back. I’ve risked my health. I’ve felt like I let men assault me… with my consent and thats such a hard feeling to sit with. My confidence was influenced on my hypersexuality. When I felt desired and craved I felt like I was on top of the world, when I didn’t I convinced myself that I am unattractive and unwanted.

Learning about my BPD gave me such insight into why I feel the way I feel and why I do the things I do. Hypersexuality is my self harm. It’s the perfect way to self destruct for me & the best way to numb my feelings from the actual pain I’ve never addressed. I let these men use me, but I was also using them. I used them for validation, maybe now I’m worth loving. If I’m a good fuck am I worth somebody staying, can I show you I’m worth gentleness and kindness by the way I can make your eyes roll into the back of your head? My disordered thinking.

I’ve learned that I’m the only person who can heal that core wound, I’m the only person who can fill that void. I know I’m worth gentleness, I know I’m worth staying. I know I’m worthy of being loved. Some days it’s still so hard to not fall into my old thought pattern & crave those experiences, but I know healing is never linear. I’m at the point where I can now find empathy for myself, whereas before all I could feel was disgust for myself.

I just wanted to share my progress, as I know many of us struggle. I hope the future is filled with healing and understanding.