The Hypothetical Alternative Life: A Poisonous Idea Being Used to Create and Radicalize Exmormons

Once you see it, you see it everywhere in our current culture.

I bumped into an old, good friend recently. I was surprised to find she had become angry at church leadership, even militant. Having a conversation about church-related topics was difficult. Her point of anger was the church's teaching that a woman's primary duty within a marriage was that of nurturer, homemaker. In her telling, she had wanted to pursue a career, but chose instead to follow the prophet. Now, she sees other women who made the opposite choice being called to prominent leadership positions and held out as models, and it makes her angry because she feels she was cheated out of a career. Her children are out of the home, and she has now re-entered the workforce, and is really enjoying it. She is highly energized to prevent the church from cheating her two daughters in the same way, and from cheating the daughters of other women.

Thus, she has become a victim because she was deprived of a hypothetical alternative life.

I've seen this sort of complaint hundreds of times over on the exmormon pages: I would've have saved over a million dollars if I hadn't paid tithing; I wouldn't have gotten a divorce; I would have been more "normal" and promoted at work; I would be getting more and better sex b/c my spouse's views on sexuality would mirror my porn fantasies (ahem) be more healthy; and on and on. This sort of memetic warfare is part of the exmormon campaign against mormonism. But it could be used in any context to make a person feel like a victim and radicalize them against the source of the victimhood.

To witness it in someone I know well was jarring. This woman has lived an enviable life. She is not someone you would expect to feel cheated in life. A wonderful marriage; a beautiful family; successful, happy children; the family is likely in the top 1% by income and wealth. She has been a leader in the church for as long as I have known her; her husband, too. They've played an important part of making our ward and stake a wonderful community. In all honestly I simply cannot see how she reasonably thinks another path would have been better. I mean, who would risk what she has for the chance of something better? If I were her husband I might be deeply wounded, wondering: all this, all we have built together, all our wonderful life together, all of it is not good enough? I was tempted to say: "You're joking, right? You're angry because your wonderful-life-that-most-people-only-dream-of might have been even better?"

If the idea takes hold, it can lead a person to trade trees for hot ashes.*

Remarkably, here's Aslan (C.S. Lewis) on the same topic, albeit from the perspective of Lucy who failed to heed his counsel, and is considering a hypothetical alternative if she had obeyed:

"But what would have been the good?"

Aslan said nothing.

"You mean," said Lucy rather faintly, "that it would have turned out all right – somehow? But how? Please, Aslan! Am I not to know?"

"To know what would have happened, child?" said Aslan. "No. Nobody is ever told that."

"Oh dear," said Lucy.

"But anyone can find out what will happen," said Aslan. "If you go back to the others now, and wake them up; and tell them you have seen me again; and that you must all get up at once and follow me – what will happen? There is only one way of finding out.”

To me, this is a healthier way to approach the hypothetical alternative life: not to construe ourselves a victims cheated of a future or as villians who spoiled that imaginary future, but as agents who at any moment have the power to choose our own future.

*bonus points for recognizing the cultural allusion