Just want to write for a minute

Excuse me for the long message. I don’t know why I want to say this. I just have no one else that understands. Here are the things I haven’t been able to do in years: - walk for too long - any sort of exercise - lay in the sun - take hot showers - drink coffee - drink any alcohol - take this weight of constant anxiety off - go anywhere without finding where the closest hospital is - worry about the feeling of a panic attack - feel like my heart is healthy and not await the next kick in the chest and loss of breath - shake this dizziness that mocks me - mow the lawn - lift heavy things around the house - do any events during the day without getting exhausted - sing without going hoarse - talk without going hoarse - eat gluten - eat dairy - eat soy - eat steak - eat shitty candy on occasion - control my emotions, I cry so much more frequently than I ever have and often randomly or without warning - get angry about anything without becoming extremely symptomatic - get excited during anything without becoming extremely symptomatic - go to social events and be present - be present with my partner - be present with my parents - dream about life in the future.

I just worry. So deeply & so often. I’m 28, I’m getting married in March & all I can think about is how a normal life seems more distant and further away. I’m already on a treatment plan that I think will help, I’m just having a bad day and I’m not in therapy to dump this everywhere. I’m so sorry to all of you that suffer. It breaks my heart. I wish that my mom and my fiance could understand how hard it is. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to write this release, I just felt like it.