I'm tired.

السلام عليكم

I hope everyone doing well - or better than I am, at least. I've been trying to get back on deen, but I just can't do it - I really have been.

I've been feeling empty, disappointed, and suicidal. I've looked into self-harm since I deserve it. Haven't done it yet, but I might. I know it's haram, but I need to punish myself somehow.

I'm not good enough for this religion or Allah, and I'm pretty sure Allah hates me at this point. I hate living like this. I tried telling my Mum about how I felt. She couldn't process it and shut down, proceeding to, instead, work on learning Arabic - may Allah bless her. It's not her fault. I just dropped a bombshell on her two days ago and she didn't know how to respond

Last time I felt this low, I knew, for sure, I wasn't gonna kill myself. Now? I'm not too sure. As of writing this post, I'm feeling more numb than suicidal, but it'll come back. I'm tired of fighting this fight, mate. I'm mentally defeated. I'm throwing in the towel. Can't do this.

Doom and gloom aside, may Allah bless you all. Have a good night. Take care. Salaam.

السلام عليكم

Side note: I'm well aware of most Hadiths/Qur'an verse about this. Also, don't bother with suicide hotline stuff. It's not in my country.