Feeling like I've fallen from grace

I've recovered from ESRD and leukemia and I was ungrateful and stupid enough to not break the habit of lusting. I made that mistake so many times that I made it a habit multiple times, even willfully by 'taking a peek'.

I relapsed today after not doing so for around 30 days. Then again, the only reason I didn't lust was because I've been in the hospital. I feel like God is against me, I'm going to go to hell for eternity, God no longer has a plan that can give me hope and it's all my fault. Prayer doesn't seem to work but I continue to talk to God.

All I ever wanted to do was help the poor, provide for my family and make people happy. I ask that you refrain from supporting the idea that I've willfully sinned past the point of redemption, I'd be terrified to hear that.