To the women who dread marriage but want kids

I saw a post today on X where a woman was saying, "The only reason I dread not marrying is because I want kids and I can always adopt one but to deprive them of a father? HEARTLESS but I don't wanna marry a man and ruin my life."

And I just wanna say it's just ANOTHER one of those dilemma that patriarchy forces onto women—damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Society tells us that the only way to have children is through the heteronormative nuclear family structure, which conveniently places women in a caregiving role while men, at best, are passive contributors and, at worst, actively make life harder for everyone in the household.

This idea that a child absolutely and in all ways NEED a father to be well-adjusted is a patriarchal myth. Plenty of single mothers, lesbian couples, and even extended families raise emotionally secure, THRIVING children. Yet, we’re guilt-tripped into thinking that depriving a child of a father is some kind of cruelty, or child abuse while men who abandon their families or are emotionally unavailable get a free fucking pass. Marriage has historically been an institution that benefits men, especially in our country. Even today, studies show that married men live longer, healthier lives, while married women take on more unpaid labor, experience higher stress, and often lose financial independence. Why? Because marriage, as we know it, is not structured to support women! Hell, WE are meant to support it by giving all we have and sacrificing all we can. It’s designed to tether them to domestic and emotional labor. So, when a woman says, “I don’t want to marry a man and ruin my life,” she’s not being dramatic. She’s being REALISTIC.

You want kids, and adoption is a valid path, but then society shames you for “denying” a child a father. Meanwhile, single dads are romanticized as selfless superheroes, like some sort of saviours as if taking care of their OWN child is something heroic. The double standard is glaring and it only ever suffocate women. If a woman raises a child alone, she’s “selfish” for making that choice. If a man does it, he’s “so brave.” It’s never really about the child’s well-being in either case. It’s about making sure women stay dependent on men.

So, where do we go from here? You can adopt. You can raise a child in a loving, supportive environment without a man draining your energy (only if you wholeheartedly want to). And you don’t have to let this outdated societal guilt dictate your decisions 'cause at the end of the day, the real cruelty isn’t depriving a child of a father, it’s FORCING women into marriages that diminish them and kills them.