i'm so tired...

[vent; i'll probably delete this later] i live in a toxic household (i'm 21F) and i've been stuck at home for all my life. i hate my parents. i don't know why they still have me around when we can't stand each other. i don't even have a room of my own, i'm forced to sleep with my mother (i'm twenty one for fuck's sake), i don't even remember the last time i called them mom or dad. i'm fucking depressed, and they only take me to the doctor when it affects them/is an inconvenience for them. literally the day i got diagnosed, my father asked me what he did to me that made me so depressed... how the fuck am i supposed to answer that? how do i tell him that him being him is what he did?

around a month ago, we had "graduation day" and i didn't graduate. i have 24 backlogs. there isn't a single semester that i passed, and i genuinely think i forgot how to actually study. i was forced to take this course, and i fucking hate it. i've reached a point where i don't even feel anything when i think of my future. it sounds so bizarre, i never planned on living this long. i want all of this to end, but i don't want to die. there's so many things i want to do, so many things i want to experience and fuck, i'm so afraid of dying but i draw a blank every time i try to muster up any bit of hope left. i feel so numb whenever i think of the future. ala ani i don't have the courage to do anything- drastic (?) either. it fucking sucks, and i don't even know who to talk to because no one would understand

anyway, the reason i made this post is because of my fucking father. he keeps opening the door whenever i'm changing and then he yells at me for no reason,,, i'm so tired of this. it's happened way too many times now. asal they don't allow me to lock the door; lock chesthe talupu baadutharu as if i'm doing drugs inside. lock cheskopothe this is what happens. it happened today. fucking knock cheyadam raadha bro? how the fuck is that my fault? i feel so fucking gross every time this happens and i hate it. and my mother doesn't even say anything, she just acts like nothing happened. aina she's never been a comforting presence in my life so i'm not surprised, but it would be a little nice if she even acted like she cared

inka ila raaskuntu pothe i could write a book but i'll stop inka, but yeah, how the fuck do i deal with something like this? my head hurts from how much i've been crying since this morning, and i don't even know what the point of this post is; i don't need solutions because asal em ledhu ikkada peekadaniki, but say something nice, i guess. thanks (?)