I don’t know what to do anymore

My ex broke up with me in Mid-September of 2024. I was devastated. I couldn’t understand it, and to the better judgement of this community (and perhaps myself), I did not know how to go no contact.

I was very happy with my ex. We dated for a year but that euphoric feeling never really faded because I found so much purpose with him. Loving him became almost like a drug to me because I didn’t know how to love myself. However, I also was incredibly anxious and depressed at the same time - yet I ignored the signs that my depression was worsening because I was “choosing love”.

When my ex ended things, as predicted the depression has incredibly worsened. I’ve been depressed for over a decade (I’m 20), but have tried medication, programming and therapy. However I haven’t found much things to be helpful. Still, 5 months after breakup I am incredibly upset. Yet, I understand my breakup is beyond my ex. It has gotten worse to the point of being suicidal and hurting myself.

Because of the attempts and just overall state, I’m taking a semester off of school to focus on my mental health but still deciding what I should be doing.

I am scared about how bad and out of control this is getting. I don’t know what will help me. Any advice or feedback will be appreciated.