Fuck I'm so sick of this (m3)

I just need to vent. It's not going to be coherent and I'm okay with that.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of feeling developmentally delayed. I'm sick of always feeling like a failure. Never having time to spend with my loved ones. Never having time to do anything.

My friends from college are all doing things. They're buying houses. Hangout on the weekends. Getting dogs and cats. Working 40 hours, making a living, and actually living. Nobody is calling them stupid daily.

I wake up at 4:30 am for my rotation and come home at 6pm 6 days a week, then sleep at 9pm. When I'm not in the hospital I'm doing anki, doing UWorld, alone because I can't see any of my friends or loved ones.

In the hospital I'm repeatedly told how incompetent I am, how stupid I am, how little I am studying and working. Everything I do is wrong. Everything. No good jobs, no you did good. Nothing. Just "you're making everything harder for me" thanks sorry I'm such a waste of water.

I've never been depressed before but boy is it starting to happen. SIGECAPS is checked the fuck off and it's been months not just two weeks. Passive SI, no intent or plan. I wouldn't. I know I wouldn't and I'm sorry for mentioning it but I have to. I have nobody else to tell that won't try to get me scheduled with psych and I obviously don't have time for that rn. Psych isn't going to help anyways. It's an extrinsic problem. The problem, this rotation and rotations like it, are the problem. I didnt have this problem on family med or psych. Nope, this rotation and the others like it (ob/gyn and surgery) are what lead me to this feeling.

I'm sick of this. I'm a grown fucking man and last week I came home and just cried in my pillow because the residents and attendings on this rotation make me feel like I have a defect in my brain. I feel like I'm so stupid. I'm constantly worried my eval is going to sink me and make all of this hell even more for nothing because these attendings/residents don't hold back any punches.

I just needed to vent. I don't feel much better but it's something.