I'm probably going to kill myself when I'm an adult

I don't see myself making it far past college. The only way I see myself dying is by me killing myself. Whenever I think of taking my own life, I feel a sense of calm and I feel comforted. But I'm also scared of actually going through with it. I'm scared of the pain, I'm scared of what's going to be on the other side, I'm scared of it failing and me potentially doing some irreversible damage to myself. I'm not sure if I'll ever have the guts to actually do it. Sometimes, I wish I could dissappear, not for forever, but just for a little bit, maybe a couple weeks or so, just to get a break from everything. I'm just completely emotionally and mentally exhausted.