Stop Being a Penis to Yourself: The Art of Practicing Self-Love.

The world is full of dicks, and you're the biggest dick of them all! Why? Because only a dick would say the hateful shit you say to yourself. Only a dick would wallow in self-loathing like you do. Only a dick would bully you into believing you'll never amount to anything. Only a dick would gaslight you into believing you're a bonafide piece of shit.

And that's you. The dick.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, will be a bigger dick to you than you. That voice in your head that's constantly criticizing, judging, and berating you? Yeah, fuck that guy! It's a fucking liar, and I want to help you call out its bullshit and (hopefully) guide you into cultivating a better mindset. Instead of consistently beating yourself down, maybe you can pull yourself up and be less of a dick to yourself.

So how do we do that? First, let me show you something about yourself that you're too busy being a dick to notice.

You ever fuck up a Lego set? And you end up making a fucking monster when you were supposed to make the Millennium Falcon? That's what you did. You made Cthulhu. Dick. Shit wasn't even supposed to be oriented that way, but somehow you did that. That's what negative self-talk does to your self-image. You take all these amazing pieces of yourself and assemble them in the worst possible way. Like a dick.

Because you're supposed to be like, this fucking 1967 Mustang GT. You’re supposed to be this classic, timeless, beautiful powerful machine, not a... Fucking hell, what in God's name even IS THAT!? Screws, pipes, and belts weren't even supposed to be oriented like that! How did you even manage that? That’s a talent! Your talent is turning beautiful, classic cars into Satan’s abandoned children! Go back to the fucking Lego instructions and try again! Dick!

You're not a mistake. You're not a monster. You're a fucking work of art. And yeah, maybe you've got some dents and scratches, maybe a few parts are a little rusty. But that doesn't change the fact that at your core, you're still that Mustang. You've still got that power, that potential, that innate fucking coolness.

The problem is, you've gotten so good at focusing on your perceived shortcomings that it's become a habit. An addiction. You're like the Picasso of self-hatred, creating these distorted, nightmarish self-portraits that have fuck-all to do with reality.

So now we need to develop a new talent – the talent of seeing yourself clearly. The talent of appreciating all the incredible parts that make you who you are, even if they don't always fit together perfectly. The talent of being as kind and forgiving to yourself as you would be to anyone else.

Because at the end of the day, you're the only you there is. You're not a mass-produced toy or a dime-a-dozen sedan. You're a fucking limited edition, one-of-a-kind creation. And yeah, you might be a little rough around the edges, but that's what makes you interesting. That's what makes you real.

So how do we do this? By teaching ourselves how to practice self-love. Now, here's the thing about self-love: it's not just a feeling, it's an action. It's a choice you have to make every single day. Just like in a marriage, you can't depend on those initial infatuation feelings to carry you through. You have to wake up every morning and consciously choose to love and respect yourself.

Think about it this way: imagine you're married to yourself. Would you want to be married to someone who constantly puts you down, criticizes your every move, and tells you you're not good enough? Like a dick? Fuck no. You'd want a partner who supports you, encourages you, and treats you with kindness and respect.

So from now on, you are married to yourself!

What does this mean? You now go from being an abusive asshole to a loving, supportive partner to yourself! You take that negative voice that tells you that you aren’t enough, that it’s not worth the hassle, that there is no point, that inner critic that’s been tearing you down, and shoot it. Shoot it in the goddamned face. American style.

It’s not going to be easy. That voice in your head has probably been there for a long time, and it's not going to shut up without a fight. But you've got to be persistent. Every time it starts spewing its bullshit, you've got to consciously choose to replace it with something more positive. Something more loving.

“Okay asshole, I get it, I need to love myself. But HOW do I do that? Also, fuck you, you don’t need to be so mean about it!”

Aight, bet! Here is some actual, practical advice that can help get you there!

(Note: I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: the only guarantees in life are that you will die, and your dog will be adorable. This is not guaranteed to work, but everything I’m about to say is very good practice and worth trying.)

1.      Start your day with a compliment. Every morning, look in the mirror and give yourself a genuine compliment. It can be about your appearance, your skills, your enormous pe…rsonality - anything that makes you feel good. You fucking deserve it! You’re probably going to start cringing at first – and that’s normal – but most good habits are awkward at first. Just stick with it. Be kind to yourself. Dick.

2.      Treat yourself like a friend. THE GOOD KIND! Not that toxic asshole who only shows up to borrow money, eat your food, pet your dog, and bang your wife. That guy's a dick. Treat yourself like a real friend would. When you catch yourself being self-critical, ask: 'Would I say this to a friend?' If the answer is no, reframe those thoughts into something more compassionate.

3.      Set boundaries with your inner critic. When that voice in your head starts being a dick, imagine you're setting a boundary with a toxic friend. "Thanks for your input, but I'm not interested in hearing it right now." No jokes on this one. I’m serious. Find every measure possible to shut it down, because you absolutely MUST respect yourself. You deserve it.

4.      Take yourself on dates. Schedule regular 'me time' to do things that make you happy, whether it's reading a book, watching anime, or going for a walk in nature. Skip the online games for this one - you're just gonna end up interacting with other people, and this is supposed to be 'Just me' time. Make it a party: order pizza, make some wings, fix yourself a fancy mocktail with actual fruits and shit. (I'm sorry, but alcohol and depression don't mix, and I can't in good conscience recommend booze when you're already not feeling great about yourself). You earned this date, and goddammit you will enjoy it, and hopefully you get self-laid!

5.      Celebrate your wins, big and small. Did you finally make progress on that book you wanted to write? Celebrate it! Did you get out of bed today despite feeling like shit? Celebrate it! Did you go a full 24 hours without watching Hentai? Hell yeah brother! Celebrate that shit! Acknowledging your achievements, no matter how small, reinforces your sense of self-worth.

6.      Practice gratitude for your body. Your body does so much for you every day, even if it doesn't look or function like you think it "should." Take a moment each day to thank your body for carrying you through life.

7.      Learn how to respect your body. I know you don't want to hear this, but respecting your body means eating healthy and getting some form of physical fitness going. Whether it's hitting the gym, swimming, or just taking walks around the neighborhood, physical activity will speedrun those happy brain chemicals. When you start eating healthy, your mind gets clearer and that voice calling you trash gets quieter. I know it's cringe, but it really is good for you. You deserve to see the person I know you can be, and this is how you get there.

8.      Replace "I'm sorry" with "thank you." Instead of apologizing for your needs or feelings, try expressing gratitude instead. "Thank you for understanding," "Thank you for being patient with me." It's a small shift that can make a big difference in how you see yourself. This is also a way to teach yourself how to respect yourself.

Remember, learning to love yourself is a journey, not a destination. There will be days when it feels harder than others, and you really wanna be a dick to yourself. Un-dick yourself! Every time you choose self-love, you're investing in your own well-being and happiness.

You are a classic, valuable, powerful machine. A fucking Mustang GT. And you deserve to be treated like one, by yourself and by others. So start making those choices, every single day. Choose to see your own worth. Choose to be kind to yourself. Choose to love the incredible, unique, flawed, beautiful creation that you are.

Because at the end of the day, that's the greatest love story of all: the one where you tell your inner dick to stop being such a dick. So stop being a dick to yourself. Dick.

TL;DR: No! I’m not writing one! Muster the energy to read this, it’s good for you! Help yourself!