I feel lost

I will apologize a head of time for the word vomit….This was really recent for me but I am paralyzed with what happened to me. I can’t close my eyes without seeing vivid details about Saturday . I will randomly start to shake and just cry out of what seems to be no where. I feel like he took all of my light and drive. Today was the first time I’ve left my apartment and rode a bus and it’s scary. My heart raced as the bus got closer and closer to my campus and finally relaxed when we passed that area. I feel like I should be powerful and strong but my body reacts differently. I’m getting supports in line but I still don’t know what to do. Do I report him? or do I just hope and pray that this was the first and only time. It’s just hard because I genuinely thought this guy was good and did understand my boundaries… but actions speak louder than word I guess. I know my story isn’t unique unfortunately but it is so isolating. I’m scared to file a report because what law enforcement officer will look at a girl who is just breaking at her ends vs a guy who can easily talk his way out. I’m scared about the repercussions this has on him because I don’t want to ruin his life. I know I shouldn’t give two shits about him but deep down again I’m praying this was an isolated event. I also know if I report him and he talks… I can’t handle what people will say to me right now. I care too much about everything except myself and I want peace from this whole experience. I want to be able to close my eyes and sleep. I want to be able to turn off my light and lay on my bed. I want the person I was last week back. How could he do this to me and betray my trust when all he talked about was wanting to take me on walks, get food, care about me… Maybe I am naive to believe it, I’m not sure. All I know is that I can’t let him convince me to forget and ignore what happened. He doesn’t have to experience what I am going through right now. He admitted that he knew it was bad and that I did explicitly say ‘no’ many times but is that enough? Having the guilt?

This whole thing has me fighting with how I was raised because on one hand I try to see the best in people and forgive their mistakes because we are human but this ‘mistake’ is affecting how have been living for the past 4-5 days. I know the guilt would be enough punishment for me but I am not him. I am not a vengeful person and hope that the good person I knew before Saturday is truly him but I can never look at him the same way.